In Hyderabad, there is a legendary restaurant called Paradise and they serve what is arguably one of the best Biriyanis in this galactic sector. Now what does that have to do with the Indian Premier League T20 tournament? Actually, nothing. Also, in San Antonio, Texas, there is a Chinese restaurant named Golden Wok where you can choose vegetables of your choice from a bar and the chef will, in one quick burst of flame, burn your pickings into a homogeneous, gelatinous goo and with a beaming grin say “Have a nie day“, and serve it to you with a bowl of rice that does not quite smell of Madurai Malli. What does this have to do with T20 cricket? Actually, nothing either. But you see, the delicate taste of a Biriyani comes from slow cooking and a careful selection of spices, unlike Wok-fried Vegetable Goo from San Antonio, which tastes exactly like Wok-Fried Vegetable Goo from Denver, because as the saying goes, “Contempt (for patient cooking) breeds Familiarity (of taste)”. It is very hard to achieve subtlety of taste in Americanized Chinese fast food. And what does that have to do with T20?
Nothing, actually.
You see, I find it hard to write authoritative, hard-hitting, thought-provoking essays on the fine game of Cricket (like this) because of the minor matter of qualifications. The only reason I made it to cricket teams in the past was to make up numbers (Dei, we are 10 and we need a fieldsman at deep fine leg), and I am a slow-medium pace batsman and a right-handed bowler who could, for most part, manage to deliver the red cherry 22 yards without it needing to bounce twice.
So instead, I will write about the BUSINESS of cricket. Many years ago, it used to be the business of CRICKET, and Kerry Packer made it the BUSINESS of CRICKET, but with the IPL, cricket has simply lost its uppercase. Not that I don’t enjoy T20. I do like Wok-fried vegetable goo once in a while.
Back to the subject at hand, there are 3 stages in sports-capitalism
1. Exponentia, where a sudden surge in popularity of a particular sport makes hay for a lot of people
2. After a while, the big boys take over and pull no stops to squeeze money out of everywhere, such as from unearthly ticket prices, pay-per-view TV channels, advertising and merchandizing. Robber Baronia.
3. Once, all the cash cows have been milked, there is no choice but to sedate the cow and milk harder. We then have IPL T20. Adbominalia
The Laws of Adbominalia
- Ads start once the 6th ball of an over (even if it is a no-ball) has been delivered.
- Ads finish only when the bowler has started his run up for the first ball of the subsequent over
- Upwards of 50% of the screen is frequently taken over by animated ads. With sound. Louder than the commentators’ voices
- There are animated, hyponosis-inducing ads on the boundary signboards.
- Cricketers will soon resemble Formula One drivers in terms of being high-density real-estate for brand names
But then hey, what gives me solace is the fact that I can still take refuge in the ad-less world of cricket commentary. I can still relax in the familiar cliches of Ravi Shastri, the soul-deadening boredom of Arun Lal or the sweet Carribean twang of Ian Bishop. Right? Right?
No.
Robin Jackman cannot say “Success” any more. It has to be “Citi Moment of success“
Ranjit Fernando cannot say “Six” any more. It is “DLF Super Six“.
Holy Arranged Matrimony! it’s now brand names embedded into commentary. So what else is possible now?
He gave it the Parryware Kitchen sink
He is an Aachi Masala seasoned campaigner
India are AUE Motoring along now.
He has smashed that past LIC Extra Cover
Gilette Razor edged, and taken
That was a Sri Krishna sweetly timed shot.
But it does open up interesting possibilities. For one, I would like our commentators to start getting cheeky and say things like
Ganguly’s batting has been Citi sub-prime. Wink wink.
Rahul’s technique is completely bug free. Must be all the Pepsi. Wink wink.
Update: If you also are suppressing an irresistable desire to strangle a certain pug with a sock, please sign this now.
56 responses so far ↓
Arunk // April 23, 2008 at 6:38 pm
ah! First in line.
Excellent - feel very similar about IPL. Your comparison was apt. Btw, you can also add the concept of “TV timeout” (where the game is sort of forcefully paused just to place ads). I actually think cricket is almost there. When the umpire asks for TV umpire/referee for a close decision,he makes a sign that can easily be taken for a “TV timeout”
Chandoo // April 23, 2008 at 8:02 pm
wow… this is hilarious stuff..
just cant stop laughing… holy hilarious matrimony..
Spacejunk // April 23, 2008 at 9:31 pm
Hilarious …
Destination Infinity // April 24, 2008 at 12:43 am
You can only take the donkey to the river. You cannot make it drink.
Same with IPL. Its here because organizers know people would drink. Somebody just had to take them to the water.
Aditya // April 24, 2008 at 12:47 am
Thala, pinniteenga! Raja Sen wrote an article for a similar purpose. And asked people to sign petition for scrapping those ads. Maybe you could attach this article along with it.
Aditya // April 24, 2008 at 12:50 am
On rediff that is^
satts // April 24, 2008 at 1:13 am
ROLF
Ashok: Rolling on the Laughing Floor?
Pranesh Srinivasan // April 24, 2008 at 1:38 am
Gyadness
The way I love Krishashok
narendra shenoy // April 24, 2008 at 3:17 am
Sharad Pawar and Lalit Modi are a devastated pair. Not just because of your post, though they are in the process of putting out the contract on everyone who dares disparage, but because they have just found out that there is a lot of betting happening out there and the BCCI AIN’T GETTIN NUTHIN’. They are waiting for someone, say the ICL guys, to do something about this so they can steal the idea. SOMEONE BETTER DO SOMETHIN REAL SOON!
Rex // April 24, 2008 at 3:33 am
I wish there was an adblocker for TV, like the one for Firefox. It should also auto-mute the soundtrack for ads. Though in this case we’ll probably get a blank screen for most of the time.
TVK // April 24, 2008 at 3:39 am
Awesome post…I was just thinking of writing a post about all these cliches by the commentators…..
Aachi masala seasoned campaigner just sounds perfect if only uttered by Sivaramakrishnan…
gireesh // April 24, 2008 at 3:54 am
Just Too Good…A dig at T20,the krish ashok way i guess.and hey..Dont show that snapshot with all the ads of reebok ,TN government Etc to lalit modi.I am sure he will say he was thinking of that concept for the past 150 years and would implement it righaway as though it were his own.
BTW::Inspite of all this nonsense surrounding the T20,I think it is the future.
current // April 24, 2008 at 4:26 am
i guess, the next business plan of ‘bcci’ would be to make itself a public traded company! if it does, ‘bcci’ would be one stock whose price will keep going up irrespective of the direction in which the sensex moves.
asuph // April 24, 2008 at 5:53 am
ROTFL..
Citi suprime indeed!
btw, did you check out your blog stats? your miss (india) timed reference to ganguly has cost you a complete bong blackout.
cheers,
asuph.
Balamurugan // April 24, 2008 at 5:58 am
Ever hrd Cricket commentary on radio. in Hindi of course. As if the ” dheemi gaind, gathi parivartan, atirikikt daud, androoni kinara ” and “behterin shot cover aur extra-cover fielders ko cheeeerta hua” were not enough, they introduced , “Aur Sehwag ke balle se yeh laga Dabur Lal Dant manjan Chauka” and “Bharat ko pehli safalta, Hayden ka Cibaka fresh Wicket mila Zaheer ko”. We used to have a great time mocking these and imagining how TV commentary , English i.e. would sound in its ADsavatar. And here it arrives.
Logik // April 24, 2008 at 6:05 am
“Not that I don’t enjoy T20. I do like Wok-fried vegetable goo once in a while.”….
Me bows to that..
You’ll never stop taking a dig at saravana, will you.. paapa chaps..
@Balamurugan:- Dabur lal dant manjan:- LOL
pinastro // April 24, 2008 at 6:12 am
I wonder , how do you get time for all this…specially the graphical illustrations inspite of the Web 2.0 tribe you are leading.
pinastro // April 24, 2008 at 6:14 am
the FYI from the Tamil Nadu government was awesome
Ganesh KB // April 24, 2008 at 7:54 am
Do you take class on how to write blogs? I’d so love to attend them!
Directhit // April 24, 2008 at 8:27 am
nothing on the cheerleaders
aah, they dance only during these Ads 
Saurabh Das // April 24, 2008 at 9:20 am
Wow, that’s a great article!
(chanced upon it via Google Reader)
shyam // April 24, 2008 at 10:27 am
Hilarious… but bitingly bitter. And rightly so.
Quakeboy // April 24, 2008 at 11:26 am
Haiyoo Haiyooo…
innum idhayam nallennai, anil semia ellam enga ?
Ilayathalapathi // April 24, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Good going. You should beat those north indians like Amit Varma and Greatbong in this years Desipundit awards and achieve Periyar’s dream.
Nandri. Vanakkam.
rambodoc // April 24, 2008 at 1:29 pm
Great post, boss!
In fact the pepsification of the commentary has already started, with the experts displaying the cans and talking about their thirst.
I wonder if Kama Sutra condoms will get into the act. Think of Greg Chappell twiddling with one in his thumb while commenting! A truly protected moment for cricket that will be!
Aiswarya Kurup // April 24, 2008 at 1:54 pm
Citi sub-prime. ha ha , hilarious
Hari // April 24, 2008 at 4:09 pm
And that’s a splendid catch at fine leg (For a Fine walk use Baaataaaa shoes)
A wonderful cover drive (For a veering experience, go for the Fiat Test Driveeeeeeee)
A bashing square cut (Is your child having trouble with mathematics? Join Aandaal Tuitions)
Utta ellathukkum namma aazhunga oru ad vechuduvaanga…. Ad’s are truly taking the spirit out of cricket now a days…. The next big deal in cricket that breaks T20 is going to be namma ooru pazhaya style “BOOK CRICKET” Every page has an ad… Makes life simple….
Dj Nav // April 24, 2008 at 4:18 pm
“Looking for bail” hahahah love that
Nikhil Narayanan // April 24, 2008 at 5:12 pm
oh man! too funny!
Teesu // April 24, 2008 at 7:02 pm
Ha ha loved your UPDATE. But I do not want to strangle the poor pug — his mug already looks strangled.
K // April 24, 2008 at 8:54 pm
Great one Sir.
i love lucy // April 24, 2008 at 9:07 pm
My grouse is the manner in which these so called “greats of cricket” leech at the cheerleaders and pass lewd comments.Especially a certain “gentleman” from the neighboring country.
pinastro // April 24, 2008 at 10:17 pm
Also read interesting illustrations on the meaning behind Deccan charger’s team
http://pinastro.wordpress.com/2008/04/24/20-20-sirf-saandon-se-nahi-jeeti-jati/
kavitha // April 25, 2008 at 2:16 am
oh this is so much fun!
rofl@ seevalaperriBBQ . how do you come up with such names…cha chance illa.
girl-next-door // April 25, 2008 at 3:03 am
have a nie day…robber baronia….abdominalia!???
do u like have a team that works for you???
one more awesome post! love the way you made sense to the no-connection title
Inner Narada, who strives to, once in a while temper the pointless humour with subliminal messages. Id Ilangovan, whose sense of humour is usually base, nasty and offensive and Ego Ezhumalai who acts as a general censor of Id Ilangovan’s creations. Also, Copy Copalan, who is in charge of the google-search department for scouring the internet to steal ideas 
Yes I do
harini calamur // April 25, 2008 at 3:30 am
been reading your blog for a longish time now…. great post….
how do you miss the ads …. do what my dad does …switch the channel…
Ganesh KB // April 25, 2008 at 4:41 am
The petition online link has an extra http
Ankit // April 25, 2008 at 4:45 am
Well, you havent mentioned the various other aspects of IPL.. And if football can do it.. So can cricket… Its all the part of the game..
itzsanta // April 25, 2008 at 5:58 am
Killer illustration wit strategically placed ads!! u rock!
Yagga // April 25, 2008 at 9:07 am
Machan… really awesome… the ending really did it for me… i’m ready for my smoke now…
vasuki // April 25, 2008 at 9:30 am
Nice read. But i love the Chinese stuff and cola.
mythalez // April 25, 2008 at 12:00 pm
when i came abroad .. i had to watch cricket matches on the sub-par streaming of sopcast and wished for watching them on our dear TV back home…
now am so happy I watch cricket on sopcast where I can choose not setmax but some foreign broadcaster and hence not be smothered with all the ads
Lavanya // April 25, 2008 at 12:34 pm
Nice work with the title and the pic.
maami // April 26, 2008 at 2:22 am
Saar,
We are the marketing reps from Naidu Hall and Sudarmani and Loverly Ladies jattigal companyss (we also do all kinds of school uniforms.)
Our advertisements in the IPL have been rejected because some- some peoples are objecting to cheerleader lahdies dancing in skirts and some shirts-like cloths.
Very much obliged if you can use your esteemed blog services for highlighting the neglect of our company products. (Ad rates include a year’s supply of underwear to the players, for proof ask Sreesanth who is irritable when he does not wear our materials).
aandthirtyeights // April 26, 2008 at 7:22 am
@maami
does that explain why he is cryings last midnight?
prats // April 26, 2008 at 7:59 am
This was a great read..inspite of me holding my stomach from splitting…
Loved your seasonings too :).
IPL T20 seems to have given u all lots to whine, crib, rave and rant about ….see here
http://emotionalecology.blogspot.com/2008/04/royals-skinned.html
Karthik // April 27, 2008 at 1:41 pm
Awesome Blog, Great Read, Terrific Wit .. Much Appreciated ..
Cheers ..
IPL T20: Manoranjan ka baap, cricket ki maa-behen? | Bhatnaturally // April 28, 2008 at 2:08 am
[...] This must rank as one of the worst crickets telecasts ever. As if listening to Kris Srikkanth speaking English is not bad enough, we had to listen to him attempting Hindi too, the other day. And less said about the hunger for ad breaks the better. Bloggers are having a field day day talking about it - the best one that I have come across is here. [...]
kavitha // April 28, 2008 at 3:19 am
awesome!!!
Holy Arranged Matrimony…this one had me on the floor laughing…ahahaha
Prasanth // April 28, 2008 at 10:03 am
great post! Arasu legal services and Seevalapperi BarBq join a long list of luminaries including Loo Su Mani and Matter Mani.
For info on the BCCI’s latest proposal try:
http://thedailypheesh.blogspot.com/2008/04/bccis-new-proposal.html
Thoughts on IPL « Confessions of a Magnificent Mind // April 28, 2008 at 12:31 pm
[...] ads. Or so I hear. I have watched, probably, 10 overs of IPL so far. I read about it here and here. Why is Sivamani there in the stadium adding to all the frenzy? I can understand if I see SRK in [...]
Vivek // April 30, 2008 at 7:40 pm
Really,those ads filling up the screens are such a nuisance,I feel like kicking them.
Also the intrusion of ‘adwords’ into the commentary has made it look so artificial.This is a great post.You have written it in a very humorous manner.
Aditya // April 30, 2008 at 9:31 pm
err, who sends those pingbacks^^^?? I would like to know!
Ambika // May 4, 2008 at 5:46 am
Enjoyed those visuals, KA, since soon we will not be able to see any of the cricket and only the ads! Abdominalia indeed.
Unfortunately, I continue to watch it, despite the cribs and whines (as I’m sure many of you do too), and the IPL and BCCI are laughing all the way to their banks.
Sumana // May 6, 2008 at 3:59 pm
“Citi moment of success”.. aaargh!!
Brilliant post!
Sameer // May 8, 2008 at 12:23 pm
Awesome!!
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