To the M.O.R.O.N.I.C, an open letter

An open letter to the Moral Officers Rigorously Overseeing & Nurturing Indian Culture.

Dear brothers of the Holy Monkey Brigade  and soldiers of the Army of the Marijuana God,

Your crusade (no wait..jihad..no wait..um..er..fight) against the corruption of shudh ghee indian culture by the animal fat of the west gives me a lot of inspiration. I sit at home, peacefully consuming Ekta Kapoor serials while you fight in the trenches to keep FTV and other immoral influences at bay of bengal. I have also cancelled my membership to the “I Love Bal Thackeray” community on Orkut because Orkut is Ravana’s garden and our metaphorical Indian cultural Sita is being held hostage there.

But I do realize that the battle is gruelling. Like Leonidas Dubya Bush fighting the Persian Ahmadinejad’s wicked army in the movie 300, I realize that it takes every citizen’s support in this ethnic (no wait…culture) cleansing process. So I have decided to do my part in seeking out insidious western immoral influences and bring them to your notice.

I heard a 3 year old kid (God save us all) singing this nursery rhyme. Oh fie upon the disrobed Nalli saree of Draupadi, the West is trying to secretly teach our 3 year olds sex education through nursery rhymes. I can’t even bear to type some of the words. They shame me to the bottom of the ghee tava, where it’s all brown and crispy.

Ding Dong Bell

(expletive deleted)’s in the well

Who put it in

Little Tommy thin

Who pulled it out

Little Tommy stout.

Oh defenders of our culture, the West is trying to teach our kids that Dong (American slang for male reproductive organ), in a state of vibration (bell), when the female reproductive organ is ready (“well”), needs to be put in. It even teaches them that it is “thin” in the beginning, and “stout” towards the end. My outrage knows no bounds .

You have done our country proud in past here and here. I urge you to take strong action in this serious matter. Our children cannot and must not learn about sex till their Suhaag raat (First night).

Thank you

A Concerned Citizen